By Letter to the Editor on January 11, 2018.
On Twitter, Shannon Phillips endorsed suggestions that Albertans eat less meat, take shorter showers and unplug their devices. Clearly these actions are not enough.
We should be showering with cold water. This would save fuel and cold showers will assist with a plan that will limit Alberta couples to having just one tax-free child. If couples want more kids they will pay the Sibling Climate Action Tax, or SCAT, akin to the carbon tax.
Maximum wintertime house and office temperatures will be restricted to no higher than 17¡C during the day and no more than 12¡C at night. And to stay warm, we will wear pajamas made from soon-to-be-plentiful cannabis fibre. Air conditioning will soon be a no-no.
And why stop at reducing meat consumption? Pet food is another wasteful “food” group and perhaps ownership of pets should be questioned because of their high carbon footprint. Salty and sugary snack foods, including candy-in-disguise protein bars, will soon a thing of the past.
Electronics should be rationed, not merely unplugged. People under 16 years will no longer own smartphones and adults will get non-transferable rationing coupons that would allow them to buy only one cellphone every three years: no more lineups for the next iThingy. This will also help indoctrinate millennials and Generation Z into living the Spartan lifestyle which will help them adapt to living in “tiny houses” which are all the rage on HGTV. Our tiny houses will be restricted to a base size of 400 square feet, with another 50 square feet allowed for each household resident. So a family of three (remember, just one child) will be living in a mere 550 square feet. This is an effective way to reduce consumption of building materials, reduce energy demand and reduce carbon footprint.
Under the watchful eye of the government, there is no limit to what we can do to reduce our carbon footprint, so send your suggestions to Shannon Phillips. This is just the start of a gentler, simpler life and lower standard of living we all need to embrace. You know, like Venezuela and North Korea. End of spoof.
Everything we do consumes energy, and we can do better, but few of us are willing to make more than superficial green sacrifices, and that is all they are. Vacuous and effete suggestions like those supported by our environment minister are unwelcome and insulting.
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