Men’s domestic abuse often goes unreported

By Dale Woodard - Lethbridge Herald on February 9, 2022.

Though there has been less research done, the cycle of physical and mental abuse also impacts men.
And there are options for those men to deal with those issues other than simply “sucking it up.”
Stefan de Villiers, the coordinator of the Male Domestic Abuse Outreach Program, which delivers services to men who have been impacted by family violence, was the guest speaker at the Southern Alberta Council of Public Affairs session on Thursday.
In his presentation, titled Not Alone, de Villiers spoke of men’s experiences of domestic abuse.
Though much research has focused on addressing violence against women, less is known about men who have experienced family violence, as de Villiers addressed lessons learned from the agency’s almost two decades of programming for men who have experienced abuse.
“There isn’t a lot of data about it, it’s still a fairly under-researched area. But the data we do have indicates that it’s probably more common than most of us think it is,” said de Villiers.
In 2018, Statistics Canada found that 36 per cent of men who completed a survey reported experiencing some form of psychological, physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime, said de Villiers.
For comparison, when women completed that questionnaire, it came out at 44 per cent.
“It’s slightly lower, but still fairly high,” he said. “We also see that in police reported instances of domestic abuse, the numbers are quite different. About 80 per cent are female victims who are stepping forward and about 20 per cent are males. But 20 per cent is still quite a large number and it indicates those men need services as well.”
De Villiers said men experiencing abuse tend to minimize it and not realize they’re in an abusive situation.
“Part of that is the socialization that men experience where they’re taught from a young age that emotions aren’t something you show, that vulnerability is not something you want to share with other people (and) that you should be strong and suck it up,” he said. “All of this social messaging we have in our culture around masculinity really makes it difficult for men who are experiencing abuse to recognize what they’re experiencing, first of all, and then to reach out for help and get support.”
De Villiers said he also hears stories of men reaching out to family doctors, going to a church pastor or talking to a counselor and getting a negative experience or not being believed. 
“With those kinds of experiences, it just becomes more and more difficult for men to reach out, because they don’t know what kind of response they’re going to get.”
The impact of domestic abuse on men is as severe as on women, said de Villiers.
“It does have long term impacts. People are experiencing physical health consequences, whether that’s a loss of weight, headaches, sleep problems or if they have underlying health conditions, those can worsen.”
There are also post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks and alcohol and drug abuse.
“Their other relationships might be impacted,” said de Villiers. “We know in coercive environments the abuser might be isolating the partner from their support network, so they may lose contact with friends and family members.”
De Villiers also spoke of the family piece.
“Even though they decide to leave the relationship, it doesn’t mean the abuse ends when there are kids involved. For men, it can be a very difficult journey to maintain a relationship with their kids when they’re navigating the family law system. It can be incredibly challenging.”
Men also struggle with thoughts of suicide and report being fearful and a strong loss of identity as a husband, father and provider, said de Villiers, adding a lack of self-esteem and anxiety and depression are also common.
“It’s a sense of overall embarrassment and sense of not living up to the masculine ideal of being in control and being able to fix their own problems and that can have a really negative impact on their sense of self.”

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